Now that I’m moving into a new chapter of my life… a new website is in order?

The weight of responsibility must be balanced with fulfillment, lest it become a burden.

As of today I am a non-smoker.

“We should not be able to say of a man, “He is a mathematician,” or “a preacher,” or “eloquent”; but that he is “a gentleman.” That universal quality alone pleases me. It is a bad sign when, on seeing a person, you remember his book. I would prefer you to see no quality till you meet it and have occasion to use it (Ne quid nimis), for fear some one quality prevail and designate the man. Let none think him a fine speaker, unless oratory be in question, and then let them think it.”

Blaise Pascal

To get answers, you need to ask the right questions. Perhaps Google isn’t a substitute for knowledge after all.

A sedentary lifestyle breeds a sedentary mind.

As you think you travel,
as you love, you attract.

You will become as small as your controlling desire,
as great as your dominant aspiration.

James Allen

Man she is fine.

I’m pushing thousands and thousands of pages of paper through the printer, working around the clock, sustained only by hot dogs and mustard. I slip out for cigarettes in between large print-runs and when I do try to sleep, I’m thinking of solutions to the incredible coding job that must be finished alongside all of this preparation for an international event.

I am beginning to understand in a very real way that I’m capable of anything put before me, whatever the scale or magnitude of labor involved. What bugs me is that I’m not sure what is driving me. Is it the fear of failure, or something bigger than myself?

To me, making schedules is like using a credit card and paying in time. I hate that the entire month of May has just been blocked in by the hour, of things I should do—all related to work. Now I see how free I really was. Hate being in debt.

One day I will love what I do.

where is the diana i once knew?

i don’t want to witness this slow deterioration of that diana i once knew so well. the deeply passionate, convicted, sardonic, driven, critical-optimist. obviously not limited to the aforementioned qualities. that diana has been taken away slowly, piece by piece, hair by hair, word by word. stop stealing her and storing her in an undisclosed location.

the perfect piece of bread. simultaneously chewy, soft, and a little crunchy. [currently searching for the perfect bread, cookie, muffin, cupcake, etc….]

the laughs are somewhere, hidden. where is my comfort and solace? come back autumn!

i was hopeful for a great 26th year. its not too far in, so perhaps 2010 will bring in a bunch of goodness. or strength to see the sun and rainbows after that dark lull?

“Control yourself, take only what you need from it.”

“Kids” MGMT

I just realized that maybe I’m not physically sick. Maybe I’m just not in love.

Where the Wild Things Aren’t: Work, Sleeping.

I think I’m going to be here for another year… I’m okay with that right now. I hope that feeling stays. I feel like a different person now though, and I’m thinking super long-term. I’ve never really been one to think that way, and it’s new to me. Still, it’s not so bad. Just trying to make every day count.

i miss.

having enough money to throw it in all directions. public sector investment sucks. until i make some $$.

playing with my sisters. which basically means that we won’t talk to each other. we sit, eat cookies (other deliciously fattening goodies), read, and ignore each other. in the same room

but i miss it.

Ever since a type project on graffiti, I’ve always been a hater of Fairey. He just seemed like a such a sell-out, and the work he created, ‘inspired’ by others, was too close to call original. And then today I heard that he finally confessed to using a different photo for reference than when he originally started. Anyway, I really don’t know enough about the issue to say any more, but I felt bad for the guy. I watched a video of him making one of his larger pieces. It’s a lot of work. Sure the style isn’t original, but at least he’s doing it. If he happens to make a shitload of money because it got popular, then all the better for him. I mean, it’d be nice if acknowledged the source of his ‘inspiration’, but that’s all, it’d be a decent thing to do. The photographers have been paid to do their work. They should be happy someone is finding inspiration in it. And honestly, I feel that I could say this if someone did the same to me. We’re living in a time of remixes, mash-ups, vee-jaying, etc. so why not art.

this might be a verbal throw-up, but i just wanted to get it out there.

i really need to find my place. i feel as though i am a late-bloomer. or perhaps a never-bloomer. late because it hasn’t happened yet, but perhaps never for the same reason. other people are quicker in their search or their quest to find who they are. i know who i am, i am grounded. i am diana. i am me. but in my goals in my career and ultimately, the life i call my own. i need to make sure wherever i am is not some career purgatory or earthly stalemate. it needs to be more than that. i need to be worth it. and worth more. it isn’t often, perhaps never, that one is in a so-called “perfect” situation. and if we spend all of our time complaining and bickering, we only are doing a disservice to our future selves. why? because we have in our hands the key to our future. it is in our efforts that we can achieve greater (or not). i seem to have the key in my hand, shake it waveringly- since i am scared of utter and complete exhaustion and lung failure for that matter-, and am listening to the thoughts of others that ultimately pollutes my own intentions. that pollution goes through and into my brain and comes out as what i thoguht was my own intention. but in reality, i need to just focus and work on becoming the WHOLE 100% of what diana yang is. who diana yang is. what she is capable of. its only in these few moments of utter clarity that we can push ourselves and allow for some concrete plan to be made. its up to me, God-willing, to put the plan into action. I guess what I am saying is that i need God’s help to allow me to continue and work to my fullest me. i want that. i think that’s what He wants of me.

on another note (after a bag of flaming hots & grapes & a huge bag of chocolate covered donuts).... is coffee bad for you? i think i’m addicted. otherwise i’m dying. and i’m really unhappy about eating these days. all i do is look at food and i gain a good 7,8 lbs over the weekend. wtf?

i have this insatiable hunger for all things great.

things that make me happy: biking, cookies- warm, gooey, chocowalnut cookies, hot crunchy and soft french bread, butter, lemon cookies, california-style salads thick with all kinds of lettuce, avocado, nuts, cranberries, feta/blue cheese, and a light vinaigrette. finishing a task, getting more than 6 hours of sleep, someone making me genuinely laugh from my innards, really good sashimi, sunny but cool, crisp days, random e-mails from loved ones, hugs, really great music.

things i hate: really bad korean ?? food that i pay 10-15 us$ for every day for lunch. it tastes like shit and msg and makes me want to hurl my insides at the people i’m eating with. but its my sacrifice to try to get to know the folks that work downstairs in my building. oh. the things you’ll do to make friends. *shakes head*

So sleepy, so sleepy.

Love sleep when I get it.

I’m glad I shut down Facebook and shit like that because I wasted so much time on it. Just “catching up” on the lives people that don’t affect me, being a creeper in general. Also beating everyone’s scores on Bejeweled, week after week, without fail. I’m really good. Anyway I’m happy to say I’ve quit cold turkey, and for now anyway, I’m creep-free. It’s liberating guys, I dare you to try. And for those who have never had a Facebook and feel pretty smug about it, I have different kind of respect for people who’ve smoked, then quit, than the ones who never tried to begin with. Not saying better, just different (better).

I’m not really sure what triggered it, or if it was just something long overdue. Something has changed though, for sure. My mindset, my work ethic, my outlook on life. I guess to put it simply, I’m looking and working for the long-term. It was nice and it was fun and above all, necessary, to enjoy the change in lifestyle since I’ve come to Rome, but in some sense looking back, I feel like I’ve made it much longer than what it was really worth. That isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate everything up to this point. I really do, and I’m thankful for all of the people I’ve met, and the experiences I’ve had. I don’t mean to diminish them in any way at all. However, something has definitely changed.

For one thing, I’ve realized that if I left Rome this second, I would feel as though I had just been on an extended vacation. Sure I’ve worked long hours and waded through a lot of e-mails and newsletters and more, but I haven’t done anything I can proudly show as to what I’ve been doing here. That was a big realization and it took a long time for me to act on it and make it different. But, as I have in fact, had the damn thought, I’m sure as hell working overtime (in every sense of the word) to make up for any lost time. I guess talking about it like this does make it seem like the past nine months were a waste of time, but they really weren’t…

Does it sound like I’m trying too hard to convince myself?

Anyway, it’s funny how a single change in the way I see my time here as exponentially increased my quality of life. I guess I’m jumping the gun a little, as it’s only really been a week, but the kicker is that I see my return date for going home as more of a deadline rather than the day I resume to normal life. I guess in some ways I’ve accepted that my life, whether it’s lived in Rome, America, or Korea, is still my life. Every day counts to future days, and I need to live them with passion and integrity so I can look back and see clearly how and why I’ve come to this point. I’m really hoping that I’ve had this in me all along, and I’ve just been “distracted” thus far, but I wouldn’t be upset knowing the contrary. In fact, if I returned home right this moment, it would sting less, knowing that at least I’ve learned this much in my time here. Which in really what I’m looking for I guess, justification.

I consider myself blessed because I’m in a position where I can directly see the fruits of my labor. I imagine some people must go for years without really understanding the impact their day to day lives have on other people. Every second of the day I’m reminded of why I am doing what I do. And I understand that this is an opportunity, and I should be thankful for this. I falter, and I fall often. However I do know. For those people I burden with my unnecessary complaints, I truly am sorry. And for those I cause to worry on my behalf, I am grateful. But I am happy, or at least I am not lost. I have a purpose, and this is all I can ask for right now.

New drawing makes me happy.

two in a row, unintentional :(

I’m such an asshole. I’m probably tired all the time because I’m holding in all the real douchebag stuff I want to say out loud.

I’m such an asshole, I think I’m better than everyone else.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m going to make it count.

did i really work on christmas, new years, and the eves? really?

am i really working on labor day?

Yesterday I picked up a pen, and I felt alive again.

Rule №1 — Know your worth

Santa Maria in Trastevere was set up with lights and gear for filming a movie (Barney’s Version.) When the piazza suddenly got bright as day at 8:30PM, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Shakespeare, “All the world’s a stage…”

I guess I’m just feeling down, with everyone leaving and all, but I’m ready to start living my own life. I want to stop acting in someone else’s production. I can’t help but feel like I’m trapped on this enormous set, and I’m beginning to forget my lines.

Crimson and clover, over and over. Until the very end, until it’s over.

Numb senses, kill emotions, blur focus. This is exactly how I will get through the next few months.

God, come on.

A follow–up to a conversation over beer with my brother, cousin, and friend. Today’s society has no excuse for ignorance. We live in the age of Google and Wikipedia, and if you don’t know about something today, there is nothing stopping you from knowing about it by tomorrow. We have the fruit and labor of all mankind at our fingertips, whether it’s literature, artwork, music, or belief systems.

The only thing stopping anyone from knowing is his own capacity and desire to know. So don’t stop, get it get it.

is

a commuter, friend, sister, eater, confused, tired, bloated, breaking out, and definitely need to relax and rest.

this setting up business/helping/working without a contract yet b/c of complications thing is getting tiring and played out fast. i need a good sunset and dinner to relax with.

I am actually getting tired of blowing around the world without a chance to touch down. I want to sink my roots deep and draw some real nourishment from people and places I love. Fleeting happiness is no longer thrilling to chase, and leaves me emptier than I started. I don’t want to meet any more ghosts in my life, those people that seem to come and go so quickly, without a chance to develop anything real. First I will appreciate what I have here. Then I will take it for what it is and nothing more. When I get home, wherever that is, I have a lot of work to catch up on.

Time to go. I have to begin living my life sooner or later right?

I hate hangovers.

home.

sweet and not so sweet. is bittersweet. love being home, don’t want to face the challenges to come. not ready to clean and start. can i just rest?

how can i miss korea already? at least some things…

Why does this water taste like ass?

I had a dream last night. I woke myself up, but I awoke in another dream. So I woke myself up again, but I was still dreaming. This quickly turned into a nightmare when I realized I wasn’t able to wake myself. This continued until a phone call woke me up for real. I feel like I can find some meaning in this, but I’m too tired right now.

why the EFFFFFF is it so much drama/work to get my deposit back for my apartment?

WTF!?!! I didn’t want to resort to yelling at her; why do they gotta lie and try to sucker me out of my money… “bitch, hoe, slut, mother-effer” are words that come into mind, but aren’t nearly good enough for the stress they cause me. her family’s track record is pretty bleak when it comes to returning the money. people have to DEMAND IT. UGH. UGHHHHHHHHH>

To make an awesome song, you just need to clap a lot.

My feet are itchy. It’s time to move. Or it could be the mosquitoes. But I am getting restless.

gahhhhhh

feels like knives in my eye. and i’m forbidden to touch.

luck has it that one eye is so swollen that it hardly opens….. yes. its nastay! PAIN!

to stay; to leave.

the lists are endless. but i decided that i will have a new outlook.

with my new eyes [in a few hours!]. a new outlook. no more blurry moments. so i hope.

fuck

Just one of those fucking days.

fuck

Fucking sucks when you’re holding a green flag and everyone else thinks it’s red.

Don’t fall in love with the finger, love what it points towards.

“I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real
the needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away, but I remember everything
what have I become, my sweetest friend?
everyone I know, goes away in the end
and you could have it all, my empire of dirt

I will let you down, I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar’s chair
full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear
you are someone else, I am still right here

what have I become, my sweetest friend?
everyone I know, goes away in the end
and you could have it all, my empire of dirt

I will let you down, I will make you hurt

if I could start again, a million miles away
I would keep myself, I would find a way.”

Johnny Cash feat. Giulia Amato

The Voice of God is heard in Paradise:

“What was vile has become precious. What is now precious was never vile. I have always known the vile as precious: what is vile I know not at all.”

“What was cruel has become merciful. What is now merciful was never cruel. I have always overshadowed Jonas with My mercy, and cruelty I know not at all. Have you had sight of Me, Jonas, My child? Mercy within mercy within mercy. I have forgiven the universe without end, because I have never known sin.”

“What was poor has become infinite. What is infinite was never poor. I have always known poverty as infinite: riches I love not at all. Prisons within prisons within prisons. Do not lay up for yourselves ecstasies upon earth, where time and space corrupt, where the minutes break in and steal. No more lay hold on time, Jonas, My son, lest the rivers bear you away.”

“What was fragile has become powerful. I loved what was most frail. I looked upon what was nothing. I touched what was without substance, and within what was not,
I am.”

Thomas Merton

Saw a lot of couple t-shirts in Korea. It’s like both parties agree on a shirt that looks equally bad on each other. Then wear it.

An old folk tale. There was a boy who was known in his village for giving without reservation. He would give the clothes off of his back, the sandals on his feet, and his time to help whoever was in need. He never asked for anything in return, nor did he accept anything except for that which was necessary for his survival. Selfless giving made him satisfied. Those who received, always showed him thanks and gratitude. Eventually his village learned from his example, and the boy had nobody left to help. He decided to leave his home and search for others who might be in need. For years he traveled by foot over vast stretches of land, over mountains, through rivers and caves. He did not meet a single person on his journey until one day he came to a shore. He fell asleep on the beach and had wild dreams of animals and strange music. When he awoke, he realized that he was now surrounded on all sides by water because of the changing tide. Slowly the water took away the ground beneath his feet until he was treading water. He tried to swim to shore, but the sea was slowly taking his strength. He tried to keep his head above water, but the air was slowly leaving his lungs and filling with water. His legs grew still, and his heart grew cold. The sea took his life.

Man, I’m so damn tired.

what do you think about pain?
i cannot cry anymore.
does it mean that i’m happy or that i have no feelings anymore?

I have discovered what it’s all about. Hint: The Hokey Pokey.

i’m happy.

Why so serious?

A public prayer regarding the impossible amount of work that lies ahead:

Lord, calm my anxious mind. You know I cannot do Your work if I am too busy worrying.
Lord, give me fortitude. Let me remain focused and strong in Your work, although I may be weak and unwilling.
Lord, give me faith. Help me to accept that what I am doing is exactly what You want me to do. That what I have not done, is not yet necessary to be done. That what must be done, You will help me to do.
Lord, let me love You. Let my work be as constant prayer, uplifting Your name, and done in true love for You.
Lord, let this be the last time I say this prayer. Because I don’t want to feel this pressure again. But if ever I am crushed again, build me anew, stronger and more able.

It’s not fair that I should feel this way doing Your work. It even makes me think that sometimes that I am not doing Your work at all, because it seems like such a contradiction. I don’t want to give up, but something’s gotta give.

what the hell am i doing with my life?

what happened to all the plans and goals??

where has all the time gone???

to stay or leave.

Must stop drinking to excess.

God’s love is so immense that we cannot comprehend it. Then it must also be the same with His pain. And strangely, this little revelation has helped me understand a little bit more about why He needs me to love Him back.

freedom.

comes from within. sometimes you just need the right triggers (friends from home, love, food, ...) to let you fly.

fly fly away.

I feel like since day one, every single opportunity has been shut down one after another. I’ve learned to stop getting my hopes up, but they still shake like shit when I think. It really feels like divine intervention, and it’s hard to accept without feeling defeated. I just keep wondering, why NOT?

Europe - The Final Countdown
Dexy’s Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen
Daft Punk - Digital Love
Rockapella - Zombie Jamboree
team 9 VS Stereogum - Bang On a Milli (Lil Wayne VS The Breeders)

This is my late at work rotation.

I’ve been cranking out so much work. It’s mother fucking unbelievable, maybe more today than the the first four months combined. What the fuck. Someone PAY ME.

They pushed the other boys in homeroom, pushed the limits and made their own rules. Turned 16 and pushed 90 on the freeway, pushed and pushed until they got their way. They were the pushers on the block, pushing pipes for that last shot. Now they’re pushing 40 and 200 pounds, pushing pens till they hit the ground, pushing daisies.

It’s funny to hear people describe themselves as travelers or wanderers. When in reality, they’re just lost, plain and simple. Sure you might have learned about different cultures, environments, and possibly a language, but that doesn’t equate into making you a better or more interesting person. Oh you’ve spent time in Greece and Thailand? You’re considering an extended stay in Bangladesh, really? Do they still serve bacon for breakfast at the Radisson there?

I think these self-proclaimed nomads need to take a seriously overdue mental trip and discover a little about themselves before inflicting the world with their presence.

Adobe TimeSteal CS4

This morning I ate two oranges for breakfast and had a caffe. I tied my hair back and did all of my laundry, successfully hanging it out to dry while the sun was still out in full force. For lunch I had salad: half of a head of lettuce and two tomatos with some olive oil and lemon. I practiced the guitar until my fingers hurt too much to continue, and then I ate a banana. As an early dinner I finished the rest of the lettuce with fried zucchini slices in olive oil with some bread and lemon. Then I had two kiwi for dessert. I’m now going to begin sketches for a mural on a freshly painted wall on one of the bedrooms in the house. I may or may not have a banana if I’m still up past eleven. Guess how I feel today. Hint: Like the fucking man.

I would rather find my soulmate in design than life. I think about this all the time, like how great it would be to have a design partner and open an awesome studio. Who cares about marriage and children anyway.

My my, look at the time. The mind is tired but passion is high. Trumpeting from the elephant’s trunk, that sound which shakes a lone man’s bunk. Under the covers and over the hills, he grabs his weapon and enters the hunt. The game is played often, but seldom well played. Starts with the hearts, but ends queen of spades. Hardly a legend, but always so fun, happiness is, a warm gun.

I got as homesick as I’ll ever get for the first time yesterday. So I have been home sick with some intense allergies among other things for the past two days. Since I had a lot of time during the day, I was sitting outside soaking up the sun, and I was briefly nostalgic for Pratt’s summer. Right around this time every year is when people are moving out, packing up, flying home, etc. I on the other hand, would always always be wandering around campus without much to do. I liked it, being free of all the business that seemed to consume everyone. Anyway, the great thing about nostalgia, like bad memories, is that it passes quickly. If anything, it has made me more resolute on making many nostalgic memories here, if that even makes sense.

blip blip blip. who would have thought it so hard. all i want to do is comment and steal/share music… !!#$$#@#!!

http://blip.fm/deeyang

lets see how long i stay on and try to keep up.

Massive, I don’t know, energy boost? Woke up and can’t stop listening to music and thinking. This would be one of those awesome creative free for alls, but I need to work tomorrow, what the hell. Not sure if I’ve also had a moment of clarity or if it’s a fluke, but some heavy realization just hit me like a two-ton truck. What the fuck what the fuck.

“…and if I die before I awake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

It was a nice day out so I walked out of the house without a set destination in mind. I ended up walking to the supermarket that’s three minutes away from the house to buy two bottles of beer and a pineapple and then coming back home and taking a nap. I need to plan my days better.

In the past month, I think I have been on my ass more than I have been on my back/feet/head. Probably combined.

Allergies, fuck’em.

The longer hours of sun are deceptively keeping me at work longer. 11:30PM is the new 8:30PM.

shoop a doop shoop a doop shoop a doop

I love bitmap.

Today I am going to finish completely organizing my music on my freshly upgraded MacBook (black). This is big moment for me. Really.

reminder to never pull all-nighters.

i am not young anymore; couldn’t handle it in college, definitely sucks the life out of me now.

reminder to just go home. nothing good happens after 2am; just drag the roommate [kicking and screaming] home rather than going along to protect. utterly. completely. drained. this was not a recoop weekend.

It’s 11PM and I’m at work, but I don’t mind. I hit that sweet spot.

I like warm weather. People wear less clothing.

seems like this is the year to get married….

there have been literally over 40 engagement announcements & i’m missing out on like 20 some odd weddings this year. i’m only sad to miss out on the weddings of the close ones. but still.

its as though everyone else is moving onward and upward…. without me! where am i?

when i go back, i’ll be a bird flying solo. aren’t birds supposed to flock together? don’t leave me behind….

I read ” creative—> multiple solution”.

Some days working is so difficult, I don’t have anything smart to say I am too tired.

Another addition to my own personal “War on Terror.”

I’ve discovered that listening to music while falling asleep will prevent night terrors—the right music will anyway. I know because I felt one coming on, but concentrating on the lyrics of Chinese Children by Devendra Banhart kept the terror at bay. I could almost picture song fighting terror.

“…and out of my toes, my little black baby goes,
and that’s a fact—an unchanging fact.”

seems like an eternity til i will have access to long-enough jeans, long-enough jackets, great french breads, amazing salads, and granny smith apples!!!

& today all i want is a passion fruit macaron, iced passion fruit tea from starbux, blood oranges, and a whole baguette with a side of salad. i’d give anything for some some of that.

Fresh PC, reformatted and ready to go. I have close to six gigabytes worth of photos to get organizing. Fun!

Help I’m alive

I imagine a lot of college students are praying right now.

Who do we care for?

I cast all my cares into the sea.

Awesome. Some awe is great. Fill up on awe and it is awful.

Listen,                                         

I wish Kanye would stop

Most of the time it has been cold and the windows have been closed. But recently they are being left open as the weather is warmer. Around this time each day, every time I pass a window I am struck by the color of the sky. It’s like an Italian–exclusive pre–sunset, and it is breathtaking.

One two three four five six seven eight nine ten. Ten crack commandments.

GRAB THAT BIG DREAM BY THE BALLS

walking around in a big city. feeling solitude amongst the hordes of seoulites. anonymity. so desired.

my dream has to come true

Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

With the right music, I can do anything. In my head.

Steve is cool. Yoon is pretty :D

Torrential downpour, I feel so much better.

Old songs sound really good on old and busted speakers. I must remember to keep an old pair around, just for this.

Work has been taking over my life. Walking home past dinner time, taking short lunches, losing face time with friends, and sitting for half of the day; I don’t mind. But I don’t have a creative stimulant in my life, and I need to start something… Something not on the computer, not with a camera, not with a pen. It needs nature, something on a grand scale, using my physical body as well as my mind. Hmm…

The wind cries mary.

ah haha aha

I live on a cloud, and my vision is lazy.
The mountains are far and their peaks seem so hazy.

Sit with my back to the rays of the sun;
the warmth makes me tired, no reason to run.

No reason to run, though desire is there…
sometimes, just sometimes, when the wind moves the air.

So my mind wanders, and sets with the sun.
Dreaming of nights when my work will be done.

Shape my hands into pistols, and shoot at the stars.
Flick cigarette butts to the orbit of Mars.

Shower the cities with sheets of cold rain;
it helps me remember that I feel no pain.

No pain I feel, and it makes me wonder…
why the blood in my veins, won’t make my heart thunder.

That is, until the day you stopped by.
Though I dragged my feet, the sparks seemed to fly.

Your eyes, natural satellites, waxing and waning.
The shoreline seemed closer, the tide must be turning…

Soon I’ll no longer live on a cloud,
and you’ll know where to find me, when I hit the ground.

Time is flying. I suppose that means I’m having fun?

An incomplete and unordered list of things that make my life a little better.

cherry tomatoes, turkish delight, unsuspecting smiles, random acts of kindness, torrential downpours, flawed metaphors, correct punctuation (grammar not so much), random outbursts (both joy and rage), moments of clarity, fresh bread, unexpected visits, warm breezes, finding clothes of the opposite sex in my laundry (after washing), green, sarcasm (in good humor), belly laughs, ear lobes, comfortable (not awkward) silence, soft music heard from a distance, the first drag of a cigarette, learning something new, blood orange juice, catching people in embarrassing moments (and then reassuring them), witty banter, olde english, prolonged and unneccessary good–byes, instant messages (as in quick), filtered sunlight, slow–moving clouds, ocean sounds, dé ja vu, ridiculous dreams, stars, bars, technical charts, ampersands, ligatures, roar of a lion (or equally powerful beast), being politically incorrect, poking fun, breaking solemnity, Friday nights, receiving mail (by post), heavy accents, light lunches, moments of awe, undivided attention, genuine thanks, people that just won’t break eye contact (makes me nervous but I like it), finding beauty in the banal, rolling the letter R, a fat burrito from Castro’s, guacamole, refrigerated gummy bears, lowercase g, stiff jeans, dangerous cliffs, proper acknowledgements, respect for elders, old people that laugh, young people that are serious, babies that sleep, animals at play, unreserved and honest judgement, being frank but leaving room for imagination, symbols, detail, incomplete and unordered lists.

What a beautifully random ass–backwards day.

To move with purpose is to move with grace. Grace is genuine and cannot be faked.

Solitude is not alone,
alone is lonely and knows no home.
Home not in the sense of stone, mortar, flesh, and bone,
but a knowledge of self that I find on the road.

Where this road leads, I don’t really know,
and it has no name, other than my own.
What I know, is that on this road,
on this road only, do I grow.

Once I grew weary, of growing old, I looked to my left and saw other roads.
I walked with a girl, on her road, not my own,
though we both knew that someday I must head home.
When this day arrived, she wouldn’t let go. Wanted me to stumble, and lose sight of my own.

Once I found footing, on the road that’s my own, I looked to my right, and saw other roads.
Now won’t You walk with me, but don’t leave your own.
I know what it’s like, to lose your way home.
Perhaps in the distance, our roads will converge, and we’ll come to a home that becomes both our own.

We’ll feel our own souls, and know our own minds,
but share a heart that beats strong, like our footsteps in time.

But until that time, which may not even arrive,
park your ass to the side, you’re blocking the signs.

Shed the excess and shake the feather–weights.
Weakness is a vice when you possess the will to fight.
See the cloud’s tail? Grip tight and bite down.
Just a matter of time before the day of the clown.

“Good things might come to those who wait. Not to those who wait too late. We got to go for all we know.”

Bill Withers

I want to run far away and not look back. Think I should quit smoking first so I make it past the Vatican gate.

My desire to eat healthy is indirectly proportionate to just wanting to take my damn lunch break. Fanculo.

Beep Bop Boop.

Was it good for you, too?

I seldom remember my dreams, and when I do, they’re rarely worth remembering. But I do have a lot of “night terrors”. Why? Don’t know. Sometimes I feel it coming; I’ll see something that doesn’t make sense, and realize that my eyes aren’t actually open. Or something banal will evolve into a terrible situation, fast. I’ve always felt fear when these things happened, and I still do, but I’m also beginning to appreciate the idea that all of this crazy must be a fruit of my mind. Scientifically, a night terror isn’t really a dream right? Why are they always terrible?

I’d like to have one while napping in a hammock near the sea at two in the afternoon. I wonder what terrors I’ll invent under such anti–terrible conditions.

I’m always so damn thirsty.

Today is a lot like a day from the house on Ember Lane. The very first week of summer vacation in middle school; maybe a Monday, when I would have appreciated it the most. The windows would be opened wide, and a cool breeze would breathe some air into my dusty room. I would have felt a little lazy, like I do now. Except without the guilt. Maybe I would walk back to the trail where it met the creek. The other guys pronounced it crick. Not really sure what that was all about. If you followed the water back into the woods, you could pretend that there was nothing else but the trees. Cool and damp, the little patches of light and the sound of the water trickling over the rocks. I remember it all right now. And I really fuckin miss it.

“A broad margin of leisure is as beautiful in a man’s life as in a book.
Haste makes waste, no less in life than in housekeeping.
Keep the time, observe the hours of the universe, not of the cars.”

Henry David Thoreau